Pavarotti, in a creaky voice, demands the solution of three riddles. "Who are you? What is your quest? What is your favorite color?"
(SOUND of the Mari Lwyd's long, melancholic whinny, which fades into silence. The cafe is still and tense.)
HOST: And we're back on "Crazy Arsed Stories," where the ancient and the absurd have found common ground. A contest of wit and song has been declared between a starling and a horse-headed folk tradition, and the Mari Lwyd has just made its move. The stage is set for a verbal duel, but the bird has decided to change the rules.
(From under the cloth, a new voice emerges. It is old, creaky, and sounds like a man who has spent a thousand years in a swamp.)
PAVAROTTI: "Stop!"
(The Mari Lwyd group, outside the door, freezes in place. The horse head tilts slightly.)
PAVAROTTI: (The creaky voice is filled with a bizarre, medieval authority.) "He who would enter the Three Bean Harmony Cafe must answer me these riddles three, ere the other side he see!"
(The person holding the horse head looks utterly bewildered. Frank stares in silent disbelief.)
JOHNNY "YOUCANCALLME" JONES: (Muttering to himself in a tone of pure awe.) Oh, I love this bird. He’s a geek. He's a nerd. This is just beautiful.
PAVAROTTI: (Loud, demanding voice.) "Who are you?"
PERSON OUTSIDE: (Stammering.) "We... we are the Mari Lwyd, the Grey Mare..."
PAVAROTTI: (Ignoring the answer.) "What is your quest?"
PERSON OUTSIDE: (Trying to regain a semblance of dignity.) "Our quest is to engage in a contest of wit and song, to win the blessing of your home!"
PAVAROTTI: (The voice is now slow, deliberate, and final.) "What... is your favorite color?"
(The cafe is silent. The Mari Lwyd group outside exchanges confused glances. This is not part of the traditional ritual. Johnny, meanwhile, has his face in his hands, shaking with silent, joyous laughter.)
HOST: And so the ancient tradition, which has faced down the wisdom of countless villagers, is stumped by the most ridiculous riddles of all. Will the Mari Lwyd find the answers? Or will this new challenge send them fleeing back to the hills of Wales? Find out next time, on "Crazy Arsed Stories."